Special Effects
by Idle Writer of Crack
Summary: Despite the fact that she loves Uchiha Sasuke with all her heart, Hinata wonders what exactly possessed her to marry into the dysfunctional Uchiha Clan. non massacre AU. SasuHina. WIP. HIATUS.
1. Special Effects

_Edited on 27/04/10_

_Warning:_ Alternate Universe, SasuHina, hints at yaoi in future chapters, out of character Hiashi Hyuga, a dysfunctional Uchiha Clan and…poor Hanabi wants to join a convent.

_Inspired by_: **eiko-chan's fan art** on **deviantArt **named **I'm sorry Naruto**.

_A/N: _Erm. The fan art is obviously interpreted as NaruHina but me being a fan girl of Crack…I just couldn't tame the inner beast within me and so when writing this I got a little carried away.

Was **supposed to be a one-shot **but I got even more insane ideas and created an AU specifically for the crazy plots I concocted.

Future chapters will be linked somehow.

Wrote these drabbles in 2007. It's 2010 and I realize…I really sucked at writing. Still do. 8D

Enjoy

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_Special Effects_

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke could not help the shiver of disgust rippling through his spine. The six year old cherub tugged at his kaa-san's sleeve fiercely and the Uchiha matriarch crouched down.

"Okaa-san do I have to wear _that_?" he whispered eyeing the costume clutched in his mother's hand with abhorrence.

Chuckling softly Uchiha Mikoto raised the green, scaled outfit in her hands and tilted her head as she inspected the costume with a much exaggerated look of contemplation on her face to be serious.

Nodding her head finally, she looked at her baby and smiled. "Hai, Sasu-chan."

_Sasu-chan_ scowled, or at least attempted to. His efforts in imitating Itachi's trademark look of displeasure resorted in his pink lips pouting and rosy cheeks puffing…Mikoto had to bite back her grin at the adorable picture her son presented when he made that look.

"I don't want to!" he proclaimed, lower lip trembling a bit.

Smiling, she ruffled his spiky raven locks as she stood and wondered just how she was to get him into the outfit for the rehearsal soon. As her eyes rambled throughout the auditorium, she spotted a stone faced Hyuga Hiashi standing on the other side of the room with an already dressed little girl, most likely his eldest she presumed, clutching the fabric of her otou-san's yukata tightly.

The Hyuga Head really looked awkward with his daughter clinging to him like that. Mikoto was almost tempted to take a picture to show to Fugaku after. Her husband would no doubt torment his rival over it…

Noting the lavender coloured dress and the crown on her head, she realized that the heiress had been cast as the princess. She was cute, Mikoto mused, before glancing down to look at her suspiciously silent son to see him staring at the girl with a light flush across his cheeks.

It was as though a light bulb had flickered above her head and she smirked, mind working furiously. "Sasu-chan," she said in a sing-song voice crouching low again.

Sasuke averted his gaze towards his mother and took a step back at the gleeful look his kaa-san was sporting. "Hai?"

"You like Hinata-chan, don't you?" she whispered secretively glancing to her right and then her left making a show to her naïve son that she didn't want anyone to hear.

"W-what?! _Iie!_" little Sasuke denied furiously putting up his hands in a defensive position though his cherry face was all the encouragement his mother needed to press onwards.

"Do you know that the role you've been given is to protect Hinata-chan?" she asked innocently watching her baby boy's eyes widen. "You have to protect her from the big bad prince. You do want to protect her, _don't you_?"

Forgetting the fact that he denied that he liked Hinata just a second ago, he nodded his head - chest puffing out in a manly display of strength when he said, "Hai, I want to protect Hinata-chan!"

Covering her laugh with a cough his mother said, "Well you _must _wear your costume to protect Hinata-chan! Do you understand?"

At Sasuke's nod, she grabbed his hand and pulled him along towards an available changing stall for him to get into his green outfit with a triumphant grin.

* * *

Sasuke eyed the blond standing in front of him dressed in clothes meant only for a Prince and he was holding a shield and a sword. Eyes twitching, he tugged at the collar of his costume, feeling warm and uncomfortable with all the stares he was receiving.

"_Look at the Uchiha boy…isn't he adorable?"_

Flushing, he shuffled his feet on the spot hating himself for letting his mother trick him into wearing this horrid costume. It didn't help that almost everyone was cooing over him and he wondered if they were blind.

Did they NOT see that if something had a tail, was green and scaly then it was ugly and ferocious?!

He wasn't supposed to be adorable!

But…how was he ever going to get Hinata-chan to like him if he was a green, scaly _lizard _with wings and a tail? Not to mention he had cones sticking out from his head that was supposed to be his ears…

Damn his mother.

Groaning to himself at the thought of Hinata never liking him now with what he was wearing, he focused his attention back to the blue-eyed Prince before him, catching the last part of what he was saying.

"…now move you beast, for I _Hokage_ Naruto shall kill you if you stay in my way, _believe it_!"

Iruka-sensei groaned loudly.

"NARUTO! How many times do I have to tell you to stop changing and adding lines! It's "I shall slay thee dragon to rescue my beloved!""

The blonde boy just shrugged, sticking his tongue out in defiance and Iruka held back a scream.

Sasuke opened his mouth to utter his line and said in a bored tone:

"Roar."

Everyone blinked and crickets chirped.

Iruka, however, closed his gaping mouth and decided then and there he was going to kill himself. Did these children not understand what acting meant at all? You had to act with passion and determination, something these six and seven year olds weren't doing. He had slaved day and night to write the script, to prepare the costumes and the set designs!

And these ungrateful little brats were ruining his masterpiece!

"MY YOUTHFUL FRIEND!" screamed the green spandex clothed P.E. teacher, appearing out of thin air and Iruka and every other occupant in the auditorium jumped in fright.

"YOU HAVE TO SHOUT OUT LOUD WITH PASSION AND FERIOCITY! LIKE THIS, _ROOOAARR!_"

Calmly Iruka bonked his clipboard _hard_ on the head of said spandex clad teacher and watched with disinterest as Gai fell onto the floor unconscious. Turning his attention back to the children on the stage he said, "I have to agree with Gai-sensei Sasuke-kun, you can't just say 'Roar' like that. You're a dragon; you have to say it in the scariest and loudest way possible, okay?"

Sasuke nodded his little head and looked back at Naruto. Suddenly his mother's voice echoed in his head.

"_You have to protect her from the big bad prince. You do want to protect her, don't you?"_

Was Naruto the bad Prince? Looking at him Sasuke thought,_ Yeah._

So he had to protect his Hinata-chan from this _Prince_ and if that meant scaring the shit (he heard Itachi say it!) out of him then he was going to do so. Setting his face into a determined scowl he edged himself a little to the left so he would be directly in front of the tower that his princess was in.

This Naruto wasn't going to harm his Princess!

Opening his mouth, something came to mind and he grinned a bit – hands flying to perform the correct hand signals.

"_ROOAARR!" _

A burst of fire erupted from his mouth, aimed directly at poor Naruto. Quickly shielding himself with the flimsy paper shield, Naruto let out a surprised yelp and jumped back at his shield burst into flames.

Sasuke smirked, pleased with himself before letting out another roar that had Naruto falling on his butt and scrambling back. "Sasuke!" said his mother sharply from her seat next to Hiashi Hyuga and he turned his eyes towards with an innocent look.

"What?"

"Why did you do that?" she demanded watching her son in confusion, for she knew her husband never taught him the jutsu (maybe it was Itachi?).

"I'm a fire breathing dragon protecting the Princess," Sasuke deadpanned.

"Ooh…special effects! This is _way_ better than what I thought of! Fabulous, the play would be a success!" Iruka said, giggling to himself as he jotted all this down on his clipboard completely ignoring the glare directed to him from Mikoto.

"Well," she muttered to herself, "if Sasuke is this gullible at this age then it wouldn't be too hard to manipulate him into marrying Hinata-chan when he's older…"

Hiashi blinked and eyed the Uchiha woman next to him with suspicion. Did he hear what she had just said right?

"…ooh yes, I can see my future grandchildren! Now the only thing I have to worry about is getting Itachi hooked up…"

Turning to Hiashi she smiled sweetly at him. "You approve of a marriage between my Sasuke and your Hinata, right?"

Hiashi blinked and before he could say 'Hell no' she continued on happily, "Great! A marriage between our two clans will surely produce the cutest babies! Just imagine, with Hinata-chan's cuteness and Sasuke's hair…"

Turning away from the Uchiha, Hiashi contemplated what he had just learned.

Mikoto Uchiha was _crazy _and how Fugaku survived all these years married to her he would never know.

* * *

Hinata stared at Sasuke in awe as he declared that he would forever protect her. Feeling herself blush when he blew her a kiss she decided that Uchiha Sasuke was _nice_.

* * *

**Owari**


	2. A Look At The Future

_Edited on 27/04/10_

_A/N: _A flash to the future, the wedding of Sasuke and Hinata.

**

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**

"Does anyone object to the joining of Uchiha Sasuke and Hyuga Hinata? Speak now or forever hold your peace."

_Like hell I'm holding my peace._

Hiashi Hyuga opened his mouth only to snap it shut when a heeled foot stomped down on _his_ foot.

He muffled his groan.

"Don't even think about it," hissed the demoness herself, one Mikoto Uchiha, as she smiled at the soon-to-be legally bonded couple.

Fugaku shot him a look of pity and Hiashi sighed.

His worst nightmare was going to be reality – soon the Uchihas would be family.

What the _hell_ did he do to deserve this?

**

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**

Mikoto smiled. _Finally!_

Now all she had to do was get it into Sasuke's head that she wanted _lots_ of grandchildren and _then_ her life would be perfect.

Glancing at her eldest, Mikoto frowned.

_Itachi is still single…_

Well, her life would be _almost_ perfect.

**

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**

**TBC**


	3. Arranged Marriage?

_Edited on 27/04/10_

_A/N: _Note that Itachi Uchiha is twenty five, Sasuke and Hinata are twenty and Hanabi Hyuga is fifteen. Despite my dislike for the pairing hinted in this chapter, it went well for the plot.

(_What_ plot? _You_ have a _plot?_)

Yes, more of _this_ (gestures at the chapter) later…

* * *

Sasuke snickered and Mikoto beamed.

Itachi shot Hinata an exasperated look and Hinata just held his hand tighter whilst she tried to rein in her volatile emotions that were _insisting_ she throttle her mother-in-law.

Hanabi, however, looked ready to throw herself off a building. And her complexion was suspiciously green…

Hiashi wanted to run away, _far _away when an almost sinister gleam appeared in Mikoto's eyes.

"So, what do you think about that?!" asked Mikoto happily, bouncing on her heels.

"Okaa-san…"

Mikoto looked at Itachi expectantly, waiting to hear his opinion on her preposition.

"You do understand that Hanabi-chan is almost ten years younger than me, yes?" Itachi asked, thoroughly freaked out that his mother would stoop to proposing an arrange marriage with Hanabi Hyuga, a fifteen year old _girl._

Mikoto looked crestfallen. "No…?"

"No," Itachi stated firmly.

"_Thank God_," Hanabi breathed weakly and proceeded to faint.

Sasuke laughed whilst the rest wondered what exactly was so humorous.

* * *

"Hinata?"

"Yes Hanabi-chan?"

"I pity you…_that_ woman is crazy."

Hinata sighed.

"Me too."

********

**

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TBC**


	4. Let's Kill Her

_Edited on 27/04/10_

_A/N: _Why is it when finals come around do plot bunnies tend to kidnap me and tempt me with all these ideas and take me away from my studies? The world is screwed I tell you.

**

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**

"I'm dying, my dear."

"Oh? From what?" asked Hinata absently, browsing through the accumulated files.

"It's called '_Mikoto Uchiha'_."

Hinata snorted, peering at Hiashi from above the file in disbelief.

"What?" her father asked tiredly. "Being exposed to that woman for long periods of time _will_ kill you."

"And it's your entire fault," he added, glaring pointedly at her.

"How so?" she was really getting good at tuning out her father's rants and complaints.

"_You_ married her spawn! It's because of you that she's _family!_ Couldn't you have married that Kabuto-"

_Should I cook pasta for dinner with roasted tomatoes? Sasuke would love it…ahhh, Mr. Yuku's been complaining about his head again…have to tell Ino to do the scans….where'd I put his files? Sakura said she'd meet me for lunch to talk about that spa date we set…_

"-or even Kiba Inuzuka would have been better! Hinata, are you even listening to me?!"

Hinata nodded, eyes scanning the information in front of her while Hiashi slouched in his chair.

"Why? Why do you have to torture me so Kami? Did I do something in my past life (A/N: Yes you did Hiashi, you were a complete cold hearted bastard to Hinata-chan!) that is so unforgivable?" Hiashi whimpered in his seat, clutching at his heart.

"It hurts!" he wailed while his daughter continued to ignore him. "It hurts to know that _I'm_ related to that monster now!"

**

* * *

**"You're wife is insane," Hiashi Hyuga commented offhandedly, sipping his tea.

"I know," was the response from one Fugaku Uchiha.

"We should kill her," suggested Hiashi.

"I know."

**

* * *

**

**TBC**


	5. Babies are made in India

_Edited on 27/04/10_

_A/N: _I'm in pervert mode. My friends say I have no shame when speaking to the opposite sex about intercourse and puberty and so forth.

So why not leak some of my shamelessness into Mikoto?

**

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**_Warning:_** A chapter about sex in a blunt way. Not for the faint of heart. Poor Sasuke. This chapter takes place in the past.**

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**

Ten year old Sasuke Uchiha stared at the rubbery _thing_ in his mother's hand.

"Okasan?"

"Sasuke, do you know how babies are made?" Mikoto asked her son, her face set in seriousness.

Sasuke nodded a frown on his face. Where was his mother going with this?

"How?" she pressed, eyes boring into his.

"They're made in a factory in India…that's what everyone says, 'babies are made in India'," he stated and watched as his mother's face contort into fury.

"I can't believe it. _My _child doesn't know what sex is," she murmured to herself.

Smiling at Sasuke she said, "No my dear, babies _are not made in India_."

Scrunching up his adorable face in confusion Sasuke asked, "Then how?"

"Sex," Mikoto replied simply, eyes gleaming.

"Sex?" Sasuke repeated, furrowing his brows. "What's that?"

"You see sex is when a man and a woman become one, both spiritually and physically. The male releases his sperm into the woman which in turn fertilizes the egg in the woman and creates a fetus which then develops into a baby. Some people call it intercourse," responded Mikoto with a smile.

"What's intercourse?" Sasuke asked curiously.

"It's when the male puts his penis into the woman's vagina," she replied.

"Penis? Vagina? What's that?" Sasuke questioned, little mind reeling.

"You're private part honey," Mikoto said, watching the look of horror pass across Sasuke's face.

"So the sperm is from…?"

Mikoto nodded.

"And girls have eggs?"

"Yes."

"So…I hatched from an _egg_?"

"Of course not, you came out of me."

"Out of?" Sasuke said faintly, looking at his mother in disbelief. "Out from _where_?"

"A vagina," Mikoto replied, "It's this small."

Mikoto put two fingers together, she showed Sasuke exactly _how_ small. "The muscles are stretched to accommodate your big head and body."

"Honey, are you okay?" Mikoto asked in concern. Her son looked a little green…

"Of course I am," he muttered, head spinning.

"Okay, if you say so. Now," she started, gesturing to the 'rubbery thing' in her hand, "this is called a condom."

"A what?"

"A condom, a contraceptive used to prevent births."

"Ah, how does that work…okasan?" Sasuke asked hesitantly.

"You put it on your penis."

"You what?!"

"Your penis, dear. Condoms are used to prevent unwanted pregnancy and it protects you from contracting sexually diseases. You insert-"

"Okay, I get it! If I'm going to have sex then put on a condom," Sasuke replied hastily, vision getting blurry. What that four okaa-sans he was seeing?

"No, you don't get it. I don't want you wearing condoms," Mikoto roared, eyes blazing.

"What…?"

"Some religions strongly believe that using contraceptive is a sin and I for one say _bless them_. It's a sin because you're preventing one of God's miracles, Sasu-chan, and that's birth – the creation of a new life! So listen up my son, never ever use any type of contraception because _**you'd go to hell**_ for that!"

"And because Okaa-san wants grandchildren," added Itachi, walking into the room.

"Yes…that too," Mikoto added sheepishly, blinking at the loud thud that echoed throughout the house.

"He fainted," muttered Itachi in amusement.

**

* * *

**

"Ni-san?" Sasuke called softly.

"Yes Sasuke?"

"I can't sleep."

"Bad dream?"

"Something like that…I keep seeing kaa-san waving that rubbery thing in the air, screaming that I'd go to hell if I use it."

**

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**

TBC

Love is needed to live. You _do _want me to live don't you? I mean, I can't update if I'm _dead_. So some love please?


	6. Gay? I am NOT Gay!

_Edited on 27/04/10_

_A/N: _Vague yaoi warning. That is all.

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Itachi blinked, not believing what he was seeing. Before him was a blonde goddess with striking grey eyes, one hidden behind a lock of blonde hair.

"I'm a guy," 'she' said, winking at his stunned face.

Turning to his mother, he glared while Mikoto shrugged helplessly.

"What? You've never shown interest in the opposite sex so a mother has to wonder…"

**

* * *

**

He had been staring; he didn't mean to stare…really but the way that brown haired waitress moved and the gentle smile playing at her luscious lips had his stomach doing summersaults.

Mikoto grinned at the obvious look of enchantment on her son's face. "Haku!" she called, waving her hand for the 'waitress' to come.

Wait…_Haku_?

Haku as in _male_?

Haku approached their table and seeing 'her' up close, Itachi realized that her chest area was completely void of any noticeable breasts….

Itachi groaned.

**

* * *

**"I don't understand what you're all worked up about!"

"You are trying to set me up with men; why else would I be worked up? I am not gay!"

"But you're attracted to them, right? Itachi you were almost drooling when I introduced you to Deidara-kun and Haku-kun!"

"…"

"Ah ha! I knew it, you do like them!"

"They look like females, not my fault I didn't know they had a penis!"

**

* * *

**

"Poison?"

"Mikoto will know. You forgot that she was a kunoichi. Anyway that's boring."

"How about we throw her off a cliff?"

"Hiashi, we're not young again – we're old and I have back problems."

"Hai, so do I."

"Guns?"

"Too loud, someone might hear."

"Hire an assassin?"

"That might work…"

"But who'll to do it?"

"I will!"

Both men gave a start and turned to stare at Itachi who was standing at the open door, panting heavily as though he just ran for his life…which was _true…_ seeing that he just ran from his mother.

"What?" Fugaku asked, not believing what he was hearing.

"I said I'll kill okasan. I don't want anything, all I want is for her to be six feet underground where I can't hear her asking, 'Oh Itachi-kun, when am I getting my grandchildren? Anytime soon? Have you met a nice young lady? When am I going to meet her?'" Itachi imitated Mikoto, voice going high and he sounded like a harpy.

"Itachi-kun," started Hiashi Hyuga, grimacing at the sound of Itachi's voice, "we appreciate the offer but this is a game."

Itachi deflated. "What?"

"You see," Fugaku responded with a smile, "it gets boring playing chess and talking about business, so Hiashi-sama and I made this game up."

Itachi frowned.

"It's called 'How do we kill the most annoying person in the world?' or in other words 'Ways to Kill Mikoto Uchiha'."

"Oh." Itachi sat down. "Can I join in?"

"Hai."

"Ah-! I know, let's tell Mikoto Itachi is gay! She'd die when she hears that one…"

"That won't work."

"Why won't it?"

"Okaa-san is trying to set me up with men now."

"Kami…if she's accepted the fact that one of her sons is gay then _what will kill her_?"

**

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**A/N:** it's 2010! YAY! Three years since I started this random story…just because I was bored in an exam. Gosh, reviewers have given me some great ideas but the fact of the matter is I've been swamped with work work and more work.

I just edited the previous chapters. This wasn't an actually update…I just totally forgot that I can replace chapters without deleting them and I deleted this one. : (

Been out of the fanfiction scene for a long time, since 2008 I believe. I apologize to my faithful readers for making them wait so long. I'll update something before the year is up! When I get the time!

Cheers.


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